A Village Memorial takes place when a family takes part in the end of life care of a loved one. Together with the help of close friends and or neighbors, the family engages in a more meaningful ritual of saying goodbye. These funerals are often held at home, making the family’s involvement a more personal and rewarding experience.
At Village Memorial, we support this historical ‘village’ tradition of family, friends and neighbors coming together at the time of death to conduct the funeral and viewing at home. We believe our role is to support the family in any way we can, from the least amount of involvement to as much involvement as the family deems necessary. Every family is unique, and as such, every family’s needs are different. In whatever way Village Memorial is needed, we strive to provide the best assistance possible.
The Life Centered FuneralFocusing on ideas about human life, its nature and purpose, a Village Memorial emphasizes the importance of personal choice, personal responsibility, the growth of personality and positive feelings of self-esteem (self-worth).
Over the past 25 years, many studies have been conducted by psychologists that look specifically at self-concept. The fact that humanism focuses on self-actualization and growth places it within the positive psychology movement. This is a movement which emphasizes the study of human strengths, as well as human fulfillment and optimal living.
Death is the final stage of growth and we come to terms with the fact that life is going to end. Death is where one completes their one and only life – not prepares for another or next life. In death one remains true to oneself.
Preparation for death focuses on the person dying and their relationships; saying goodbye to loved ones and organizing their affairs so that loved ones left behind are not inconvenienced with loose ends.
Some say the humanization of death is a response to hospitalization, where life can be artificially extended through modern medicine and technology. We’re now able to live past our natural life spans, thanks to modern medicine. Many know of loved ones, friends or have experienced on their own, how life can continue on for many years with proper medical intervention. Heart attacks, strokes and diseases like diabetes need not be fatal. Diseases can be managed. Health emergencies can be recovered from. However, nearing death, many have trouble determining where to draw the line. Many question whether human life ought to be extended past the point of good quality of life (apothanasia) when death is expected or imminent.
They say the more things change, the more they stay the same. Death care is no different. Recent trends show families wanting to be more involved in the final care of their loved ones. Families want to help prepare the body of their loved one, to hold their viewing and or funeral at home, and to plan each and every detail of the funeral personally. Families want to make every single part of saying goodbye much more personal with their own dedicated involvement.
History tells us that the home funeral and family centered death care are not a new ideas. Wakes and funerals of the past were held in the home of the family (usually in an unheated parlor or living room). Women of the family had helped to dress and prepare the body for viewing and burial. Coffins, not readily available for purchase, were commissioned when needed, by a local cabinetmaker or furniture maker. The grave was often dug by hand by the family members themselves.
During the civil war, embalming gained in popularity and frequency of use as families of fallen soldiers began requesting transport of loved ones from the battlefield back home. The need for extended preservation of the body during the long transport home, shifted the care of the body from women of the family to professional undertakers and the funerals themselves from the family home to the funeral home. Around the beginning of the 1900’s, referring death care to the local funeral home had become commonplace.
When a person dies, the world seems to continue right along as though nothing has happened, and to the bereaved this experience can be extremely isolating. The funeral custom provides a social function where friends and family of the bereaved can gather to offer support. "The funeral service has the effect of drawing a social support network close to the bereaved family shortly after the loss has occurred, and this kind of social support can be extremely helpful in the facilitation of grief".² The social support provided during the funeral rite, can provide encouragement to the bereaved in considering the adjustment to living without the lost loved one.
By acknowledging all of one’s family, friends and neighbors that remain available in one¹s social circle, one may find reassurance and comfort in the fact that they are not alone. The communities promise to attend one another’s funerals establishes emotional stability, security, and support in facing death. To not hold a funeral is not to observe this sacred pact. If "people have an aversion to death, they have a persistent sense of despair and hopelessness"¹, The funeral rite gives us the opportunity to act for others as we would wish them to act for us. When we grieve for others, we grieve for ourselves. "We attempt to master the storms of life by finding palatable reasons for our personal suffering. With the discovery of meaning comes the possibility of restoration".¹
We want our presence to be missed, our deaths to be mourned, and for life to have meaning. It explains why we host funerals and grand memorials. We yearn to be remembered. Our lives must have had held some meaning. Attending a funeral reminds us that we will someday merit the same honor, respect, and display of affection.
In American culture, we have been taught to hold back public displays of mourning so as not to make others uncomfortable. We are encouraged to shed tears in private. This isolation can lead to unhealthy grief. Our funeral homes and cemeteries provide a venue in which mourning can take place socially. The funeral service setting can assist the bereaved in expressing the feelings and thoughts about the departed. At the funeral, the bereaved is provided an opportunity to engage in discussions about the dead, to hear or share eulogies and other stories about the deceased. The need to express one’s feelings in a safe place is important in promoting grief, and we
should give people "permission to acknowledge and express emotions".¹ "The funeral service can help the grief process, as it allows
people to talk about the deceased".²
"True healing can not take place without the journey through the grieving
process"¹. An important role of a funeral is to facilitate
grief. "If [the funeral] is done well, [it] can be an important adjunct in
aiding and abetting the healthy resolution of grief"².
As our culture is "largely death-denying and death-defying"¹, making the loss real to the bereaved is a very important task of
mourning. Accepting the reality of the loss is the very
first task of mourning to be achieved. "There is always
a sense that it hasn’t happened"². Perhaps we find it easier to deny the
death, and to believe it has not happened, but the funeral provides a place
in which this denial can be directly addressed. People must "come full face with the reality that the person is dead and
will not return".² By seeing the body of a lost loved one, it helps "bring
home the reality and finality of death"² to us. The funeral
practice provides a setting in which viewing the deceased is appropriate,
acceptable and healing.
¹ Roussell, J.O. (1999). Dealing with Grief: Theirs & Ours. Staten Island, NY: Alba House.
² Worden, J.W. (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. A Handbook for the Mental Health
Many people do not know is that it is legal for them to take their loved ones home (in their own car) and to keep them (if cooled) for a number of days. Currently home funerals are legal in 45 states. Many people do not realize that embalming is not mandatory.
Legally, you can take your own dead home with you as long as you get the proper permit for transporting, and follow approved procedures for cooling, and length of time before burial. Even a home burial is not illegal in some states and counties.
The number of backyard burials is increasing, and has done so dramatically over the past 5 years. The Funeral Consumer’s Alliance reports that only two companies aided families holding home funerals in 2002, but now there are at least 45 companies.
Regarding Home Burial, most counties ask for a certain acreage amount, a distance of at least 150’ from a water supply, and at least two feet of earth on top. Before burial, the person in charge must sign the burial-transit permit and return it within 10 days to the registration of the county in which the death occurred. The practice is generally discouraged because of the potential affect on the property value. Because the practice is not common yet, society is still uncomfortable with it. Neighbors might find it disturbing to watch someone bring a body home, hold a funeral in their home, and then bury the body in their yard. However, a number of planned “Green Burial Preserves” are currently in development throughout the country to fulfill the demand for natural burials.
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